A NETFLIX SERIES
[suspenseful music plays]
And here is the White House, where--
[retching]
Oh God, that drunk again. Avert your eyes, kids!
Hey, kids, everything they teach you in school is a lie.
The Deep State is controlled by my shithead father.
Chemtrails trap you in the '80s,
Minions are real. I have seen one. I have touched one with my own hands!
-[child screams] -Oh my gosh, it's a bomb!
Wait, are those Toblerones?
Hey, hey, Reags.
So are you… You good?
I know it's your first day back since your dad took over and all.
Of course I'm okay. What makes you think I'm not okay?
Oh, God! [groans]
Well, you did get a tramp stamp that says "Mommy Likey Drinky" on it.
Whoa, when did I get that?
Life is just dreams turning to entropy, you little shits!
[laughs awkwardly] She doesn't mean that, children!
I do mean it!
Dreams die! Santa is fake!
But student debt is real!
[sobs]
You had to learn sometime, Braden.
[PA system] Welcome to the new Cognito.
Listen to me, Brett. My dad is an amoral sociopath.
Having him in charge will literally destroy the world.
[construction worker yells]
Yeah. He's installed a lot of security cameras in the women's bathrooms.
Rand Ridley is a dick!
Shit talking detected.
[woman screams]
This is nauseating me, Brett,
and for breakfast I had something called a Bud Light Lime-A-Rita.
[gasps] The refreshing Bud Light mist with a tropical lime twist?
Yeah.
[Reagan gulps]
[can rattles on ground]
[burps]
We have to do something.
Don't worry. I mean, Rand can't make things that different.
Listen up, peons, everything's gonna be different around here.
and I don't give a shit.
[everyone gasps]
[Rand] Why are we taking orders from mysterious robed assholes anyway?
We don't even know who they are!
From now on, we do what I say.
Cognito is gonna reclaim its glory days.
[cheering]
Then Cognito's gonna reclaim its ex-wife,
and its daughter, and its original, beautiful hairline!
Uh, yeah?
This is going to be the most globally damaging midlife crisis since Elon Musk.
-[Rand] Hey, get to the War Room, you two. -[gasping]
Oh my God, his kimono's open.
-I can't unsee that. -Don't barf because then I'm gonna barf.
We'll have to hold it. I'm vomiting!
[upbeat music plays]
[retching]
[all gasp]
Jesus, is that Reagan?
I have never seen someone mistreat their body like this,
and I'm from Atlanta.
We deep-fry iced tea.
You guys know that I can hear you, right?
[Reagan groans]
I'm drunk, I'm not deaf.
Greetings, Hench-ployees.
Now that J.R.'s finally rotting away in some shadow prison,
the Ridley regime can officially begin!
First up, my enemies list.
It's long.
Not so fast!
[thuds]
Are you guys really gonna sit here and take orders from my dad?
In a week, he's gonna have us assassinating Postmates drivers
for getting his Taco Bell order wrong.
The fate of the world is at stake.
Hey, the Taco Bell thing is not a bad idea.
Intern three, write that down.
Intern four, assassinate intern three if he writes it down wrong.
[Myc] Did you guys see they replaced all the watercoolers with vodka?
Best day ever! [laughs]
Are you trying to Jerry Maguire us right now? [laughs]
This must be so embarrassing for you.
Uh, sorry, Reagan.
Having one evil white guy in charge versus another evil white guy?
Uh, not that different.
[everyone talks at once]
[Myc] I just thought J.R. got Lasik.
But…
[ominous music plays]
Ah, did you really think you could launch a coup against me, sweetie?
That's adorable. You're just like your old man.
I am nothing like you!
[cans clatter on table]
[Myc] Oh, so this is what rock bottom looks like.
More tropical than I thought.
Give my daughter a timeout. Somewhere she can get her head straight.
-[Reagan grunts] -Oh, and, uh, nothing higher than a three.
[Reagan grunts]
[panting] Reagan, wait!
Thanks for all the help out there, Brett-adict Arnold.
This situation scares the crap out of me, man!
Well, Brett is here to "care" the crap out of you.
What? "Anonymous Anonymous"? What the hell is this?
but maybe with help you could change your outlook.
How about you keep tasing me instead?
[distorted speech]
Oops, let's switch off those Anony-collars.
This is a safe space.
Let's go around the circle and share why we're here.
-Hey, everyone. I'm Sasquatch. -[all] Hi, Sasquatch.
Hi, Sasquatch.
I feel like no one cares who I am anymore.
I saw this kid in the woods the other day and he goes, "Hey, Mom, it's Chewbacca."
Fucking Chewbacca? He's not even real.
[man] Anyone I ever get close to goes insane.
I think it has something to do with my relationship with my mother.
I'm former Governor Jesse Ventura, and I wanna know some things.
Like are any of us real?
Does happiness exist?
Will I ever love myself?
I'm just asking questions!
Hello, I'm Richard.
I'm a raging alcoholic and I think I'm at the wrong meeting.
Reagan, how about you?
Fuck, this is so lame.
Well, my dad stole my big promotion,
he erased my memories,
and I just tried to stage a coup and nobody had my fucking back!
Honey, I have been there.
Right now, you must be thinking, "Do I murder them?"
"How many of them do I murder?"
Yeah, I am.
Oh, cry me a river.
Excuse me?
You know who she is, right?
That's the daughter of Rand Ridley. Head of Cognito Inc.
[group mutter]
Yeah, Miss Nepotism case here is crying
because she has to wait a little bit longer for her dream job.
Wow, dickbag, who the hell are you?
Okay, this is supposed to be anonymous.
Ron Staedtler. I've been wiping minds for the Illuminati for ten years,
and in my line of work, there are no safe spaces.
Oh God, here we go.
You think having a few memories deleted is hard?
Try being the guy who deletes those memories.
Then you're the only one who has to live with them.
Wow, I thought you had to be cool to work in the Illuminati.
-Who let this dork in? Am I right? -[Sasquatch laughs]
And I thought you had to be smart to work for the Deep State.
Listen, asshole, I'm the smartest person in this room.
Guys, now there's a talking pillow that determines who speaks.
It's fluffy and relaxing.
I know your type.
You say you got into this job to save the world,
but all you care about is revenge.
If you really wanted to save the world, you'd do whatever it takes.
[dramatic music plays]
You know what, you're right.
Looks like you sad sacks did motivate me after all.
To take down my father on my own!
[dramatic music plays]
Fine, I'm sorry for bringing a gun to therapy.
Again.
[suspenseful music plays]
Let's talk this week's mission.
Bohemian Grove.
Yes! Outdoor festival of the year!
It's like Burning Man but they actually burn men!
Every year it brings together
the six societies that secretly rule the world.
The Reptoids, the Atlanteans, the Catholic Church,
the Juggalos, for some reason,
us, and of course, our arch rivals, the Illuminati.
Boo!
So what's the deal with the Illuminati again?
They're the cooler version of us.
This pompous d-bag is Dietrich Kluge,
the head of the Illuminati. And my mortal enemy.
I hate that guy. Look how European he is.
He's always making the Illuminati fuck with Cognito.
[Myc] Those artsy-fartsy Bavarian bastards!
Every year, he challenges us to the Power Struggle.
A competition for dominance
where the loser literally has to kiss the other guy's ring.
J.R. always lost.
Well, now that I'm in charge, Cognito's going back on top
and here's how!
[all groan]
Why's it so detailed?
[Myc] So many balls!
I'm gonna use Reagan's nanobots to supercharge my body,
giving me the strength, speed and dexterity
to destroy that prick Dietrich once and for all.
Huh. I'll show that prick in AA.
I'll ruin Rand on my own.
Oh, you're villain monologuing? That's fun. What is that thing anyway?
It's a VR glove that can control Rand's nanobots.
The second I activate it, Rand will be my virtual puppet.
It seems a little far-fetched.
Could that even--
-Then why are you hitting yourself? -Ow, ow, ow!
Stop it! Jesus, I just wanted to chit-chat.
[retches]
I'm gonna sneak into Bohemian Grove
and make sure Rand loses the Power Struggle.
When everyone sees how pathetic he is, he'll be fired and I,
I mean, the world, will be better for it.
[Rand laughs]
So do you have a plus-one or--?
-No way in hell. -Just checking.
[electronic static]
Who's ready to Bohemian "Groove"?
[cheering]
The annual Power Struggle will begin shortly.
And now, please welcome the six societies!
They're a little wet, they're a little wild,
it's the Atlanteans!
[Atlantean Gibberish]
They wear sandals and create scandals.
It's the Catholic Church!
Mamma mia, Buca di Beppo
Here comes the toast of the under-crust. It's the Reptoids, honey!
[bat squeaks]
[gulps]
And these jokers are wild!
It's the Juggalos!
♪ If magic is all we've ever known ♪
Woop-woop! You bitches down to clown?
We secretly control global finance!
And next we have the losers from last year's Power Games.
The stuffed shirts from Washington. I doubt they even showed up.
[helicopter blades whir]
[dramatic music plays]
Top that entrance, motherfuckers!
[rumbling]
[mysterious music plays]
[emcee] And finally, we saved the best for last.
The all-seeing, all-knowing, all-partying Illuminati!
[fan 1] I love you, Jay-Z.
[fan 2] Queen Bey!
[gasps] Lin Manuel!
Illuminati confirmed!
[cheering]
Ugh. Dietrich.
Well, if it isn't the reheated leftovers of Rand Ridley.
I thought they fired you for all of this.
-[laughter] -He's a mess.
Dream on, Dietrich, Cognito's more powerful than ever.
We control the president, big oil,
and I have a button that can move the moon!
Cute! But you're still the secret society no one's ever heard of.
The Illuminati's a name brand.
We make it rain, bitch.
Cognito controls the weather. We literally make it rain.
Okay, boomer.
What? You're a thousand years old!
I tell you what, if you can beat me at this year's Power Struggle,
I won't pants you in front of the Pope
and Instagram it for the whole shadow world.
[laughter]
You suck so hard! [laughs]
[Myc] Oh shit, are you Poland?
Because that German guy straight-up owned you.
Gah!
Oh God, it's Lin Manuel Miranda. Hide me!
[gasps] Gigi! I recognize your tired face from your application selfie.
[chuckles] You know about filters?
She applied to work at the Illuminati?
-[awkward chuckle] Only one or two-- -Hundred times?
[laughter]
If you need us, we'll be in the room where it happens.
Where what happens?
If you have to ask, honey, you'll never know!
Ugh. That guy sucks!
No wonder people pay $2,000 on StubHub to watch him get shot.
It's okay, Andre, just go have fun.
I think I saw Jimmy Carter scooping Viagra out of a big barrel.
Fuck that, Gigi, we're getting back at those snobs.
[Myc] Ugh, other people's problems are boring.
Feelings are for liberals and baseball movies.
Let's go party, Mushroom Man!
We know you naughty aristocrats love to destroy the Earth's resources,
so get ready for our first event!
The Lumberjack-off!
[cheering]
I see you, Jair Bolsonaro. Let the games begin!
Dietrich, how about a little toast.
I could drink to your demise.
May the best man win.
[suspenseful music plays]
All right.
Okay, Dad, the glove is on and the gloves are off.
-[glass smashes] -What the--?
[Rand grunts]
I can't watch!
What the hell? This isn't supposed to be happening!
Ha! Watch and see how it's done, axe-hole. What the--?
[dramatic music plays]
-[audience gasps] -My crotch! [groans]
Well, that's what humans get for keeping their gonads on the outside.
It's just poor breeding.
[laughter]
Wait, what the hell is happening to Kluge?
What? What the… Impossible!
You son of a bitch.
but I 'Mo-wanna' more money!"
[laughs] I'm so rich!
[laughter]
Ugh. He brings so much joy to people. It makes me sick.
But what can we do?
[sighs] If only there was a way
to give them the same crippling self-doubt that I suffer from.
That's it, Brett!
Okay, here's what we do. Now listen up, okay?
[Myc] Ugh! This isn't virgin blood!
Who the hell do I have to sacrifice to get some service around here?
I thought this was the VIP section!
Yes, Visually Inconvenient People.
-[squawking] -[gurgling]
I'm Dermot Baldwin.
I didn't know I existed either!
[Myc] You put us here because we're ugly?
I'm a decorated war hero!
My face is like a purple heart!
[Myc] I won't stand for this harassment, pal. Don't walk away all sexy like that!
Oh, it ain't so bad here, strangers.
Perfect place to sit a spell and masturbate with no one watching!
Yep, that's right, I'm the masturbating Reptoid.
We're three of a kind!
[Myc] Fuck me.
Hey, what the fuck do you think you're doing here?
You're sabotaging my sabotage!
Uh, you're the smartest one in the room. You tell me.
I'm not telling jack to a guy who looks like an '80s supervillain.
Yeah, says teen Bill Nye.
Besides, I could ask you the same thing.
My conspiracy is none of your business.
-And what the hell are those things? -Hey! No, get off me!
Lock and load, my pretties. It's time for the manhunt!
[crowd chanting] Manhunt, manhunt, manhunt!
[Reagan grunts]
-[crowd] Manhunt! -[Reagan grunts]
-[crowd] Manhunt! -Release the prisoner!
[both strain]
[crowd] Manhunt, manhunt!
[groaning]
Oh! Two times is so unlikely.
[groans]
Impossible! You're pulling some pagan bullshit on me!
You let him get away, has-been!
[Reagan strains]
Hey, what are you two doing?
Would you believe… this is the second time… [groans]
…I've been tased today?
Judging by your personality… [groans] …that sounds about right.
[both grunt]
Who would be dumb enough to get thrown in Bohemian Grove Jail?
The righteous gotta stick together!
-Alex Jones? -Alex Jones?
I got a plan to get us out of here, but I need $25,000
to invest in yak testosterone supplements that will give me,
now stay with me here, time travel abilities!
Great, now we're stuck here with the school-shooting denier
who looks like an orangutan fucked a fire hydrant,
because one of us couldn't keep our cool.
Brave of you to admit that.
Why were you trying to sabotage your own company anyway?
Eh, I don't want to talk about it.
That's right, buddy, you don't owe a woman a goddamn thing.
Especially child support!
Look, we gotta get out of here before he takes his shirt off.
Why does he do that? Does he think it looks good?
Yeah, I think he thinks it looks good. Truce?
Temporary truce.
I just need something I can use to make a subliminal message.
Do you have a tape recorder?
Of course I do. I'm the only person left who will listen to me!
Cover your ears, okay?
What in the flat world? [groans]
Nice work. Give it here.
Nepotism this!
[chuckles]
[tense music plays]
Ooh, the Atlanteans are disqualified for the illegal use of sonar!
[angry gurgling]
Only Rand Ridley and Dietrich Kluge remain for the final round.
I still have time to sabotage my boss.
Not if I sabotage mine first.
[man] Hey! You!
[both] Shit!
Get them!
[tense music plays]
[Reagan grunts]
Uh, you want to tase yourself.
Tase myself.
[yells]
-Staedtler, wine bottle, now! -Should we talk about your drinking?
To hit him with, idiot!
[guard groans]
[tense music continues]
[guard groans]
Shit.
Quick, follow me into that owl's ass!
'Taint nothing wrong with a-masturbating yourself in public.
Why, it's as natural as a spring day!
Stuck in the back because of our weird faces.
No one understands our pain.
Yo, bitches, the posse feels your pain.
They always sit us in the back.
[Myc] Probably because you're literal fucking clowns.
Check a mirror, my ninja. Society is clowning on you.
You feeling disrespected? Treated like a joke?
[groans] Our missions do feel suspiciously like B-stories.
Here's our literature.
♪ Recognize miracles ♪
[Myc] My God! He has the most powerful mind I've ever encountered.
This insane clown posse is starting to sound like a sane clown posse!
Welcome to the dark carnival, my friends.
[Juggalos cheer]
I can't believe we knocked out the Pope.
I can't believe we brainwashed Alex Jones.
[laughter]
So why'd they send you to Anon-Anon anyway?
Oof. Oh, boy.
So, the day I was supposed to get my Illuminati ten-year pin,
they caught me trying to drink an entire vat of mind-erasing liquid.
Jesus, why?
In college, I was a conspiracy theorist.
I believed that behind the chaos
there must be some secret group of geniuses that could save the world.
But look at these idiots.
[gurgling groaning]
Shadow government is just as dumb as the regular government.
[in unison] It's just assholes all the way down.
You were right about me, you know. I did just want revenge.
I even came up with a 30-point plan.
[chuckles] Even your vengeance is type A.
[chuckles] Yeah.
God, why do smart people always make dumb mistakes?
Because the smarter you are,
the better you are at rationalizing stupid decisions.
That's why the smartest people end up working for the worst companies.
Well, maybe not everything is a stupid decision.
Like what?
Like this?
Oh wow, enemies to lovers. That's never been done before.
[clears throat] Yeah, giant cliché. As if we would do that.
-I really want to, though. -Very much same!
[gentle music plays]
[emcee] And now, the final round.
The ancient noble competition known as the Pissing Contest!
Watch me be number one at number one.
The only thing you'll be pissing away is your reputation. Watch this.
-[both grunt] -[crowd gasps]
Um… Okay!
Mamma mia!
I'm clutching my pearls!
[suspenseful music plays]
-What the… I didn't mean-- -I didn't mean… You…
I mean, not unless…
[cheering]
It's a draw!
A years-long feud ended in one beautiful gesture of intimacy.
Now this is finally a party!
You will rue the day you humiliated the Illuminati.
We see all!
See my ass, Kluge.
Cognito will bury you for this like we buried Jimmy Hoffa!
Yo, maybe Cognito isn't just some boomer shit.
-These guys are progressive as hell. -Hey, listen up, you dicks.
Y'all Brett-y for this?
[upbeat music plays]
Oh, guys, please, whatever this is, don't do it.
[rapping] ♪ It's time to rhyme It's a rhyming time ♪
♪ Your treatment of my friend is a crime ♪
Oh God.
[laughter]
That was your plan? A rap battle?
You're fucking with the greatest rapper of all time, son!
[tense music plays]
[scoffs]
[laughs] No, that wasn't our real plan.
I spiked everyone's drinks with LSD over an hour ago.
[dramatic music plays]
We just needed to get you in one place so we could watch.
What? But I've never tried drugs before, I'm high on life!
Well, now you're high on laboratory-grade brown acid.
Prepare for psychedelic ego death!
Oh God, I'm slightly overrated.
If I tweet that, people will destroy me for saying, "Beyoncé is overrated."
Somebody get that dirt off my shoulder.
I helped bring humanity to the point of inevitable destruction!
[groans]
I'm sorry, Gigi. I am corny, white history teacher bullshit.
For fuck's sake, I wrote the intro to a Garfield book!
You can Google it.
I'll give you a job. Just make this stop!
[suspenseful music plays]
Oh, I guess I am throwing away my shot.
[Lin Manuel sobs]
Really? You gave up your dream job?
I already have a job where I am the coolest in comparison.
-Aw! -Aw!
[wailing]
I'm not the first Oprah.
Wow, I really enjoy rivalry sex, apparently.
-Something's wrong with me. -No, something is wrong with us.
[scoffs] Boo. Corny.
You know what? I'm done wasting my energy trying to fight my dad.
He's just gonna fuck things up on his own anyway.
Maybe my next crazy plot should be my own happiness.
At least then you might have less regrets.
[gentle music plays]
To moving forward?
To moving forward.
Wait, did you light this?
I thought you did.
[in unison] Oh, shit! Someone set the owl on fire!
[dramatic music plays]
This whole thing has gone tits up. Time to fire up the jet.
-Where the hell are Glenn and Myc? -[Glenn] We're not leaving.
We found our family.
Life is a struggle-o, so now I'm a Juggalo.
[Myc] Woop-woop!
Drop the hatchet on restrictive societal expectations!
-Woop-woop! -[cheering]
What the shit?
You dumbasses look insane. Look in a mirror.
[Myc] Jesus Christ, what the fuck are we doing?
Why is my wallet on a metal leash?
Where would it be trying to go?
I thought we were into this!
-[Myc] We look like fucking idiots, Glenn! -My name isn't Glenn anymore.
It's Killer Nugs, and this tattoo is permanent.
Wow. We hide out in an owl for ten minutes and--
The whole place falls apart without us.
-Typical. -Typical.
Well, I should probably get back to my…
Yeah, and I should probably get back to my…
Yeah.
Two rival companies.
We could get in a lot of trouble.
Yeah, if only we were in a line of work where we both knew how to keep a secret.
[both laugh]
Still, it's gonna be, uh, pretty stressful hiding this whole thing.
We're probably gonna need a lot of therapy.
-See you at the next meeting? -I'll be there.
[romantic music plays]
Oh God. I, Alex Jones, am secretly in love with Hillary Clinton.
Don't tell, people!
[dramatic music plays]
[man] Aha!
[laughs]
I'm free! I'm free! [laughs]
Who the hell are you?
Who the hell am I?
I'm J.R. fucking Scheimpough.
Who the hell are you? Chewbacca?
Goddamn it.
[mysterious music plays]
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